


I'm Not Afraid

by Little_oblivion



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fear of Discovery, Internalized Homophobia, Mentions of Drowning, Non-Consensual Touching, Past Sexual Assault, fear of darkness, fear of water
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 13:43:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20967515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_oblivion/pseuds/Little_oblivion
Summary: Tobin Heath isn't afraid of anything.(Inspired by the song "I'm Not Afraid of Anything" from Songs for A New World)





	I'm Not Afraid

**Author's Note:**

> My roommate had me listen to the song "I'm Not Afraid of Anything" from JRB's Songs for A New World this morning, and I immediately became obsessed and this story popped into my head. So enjoy!
> 
> *Trigger warnings for drowning and descriptions of sexual assault.

_Alex's afraid of water._

I never would have guessed that Alex Morgan, the California princess, would be afraid of water. I had assumed she had spent her childhood and high school years at the beach, splashing around in the ocean anytime she wasn't on the soccer pitch. Sure, she wasn't one to jump in the pool when we had a chance, but I chocked it up to her wanting to lay out and tan instead. I probably never would have discovered her secret if we hadn't lost to Sweden in the quarterfinals. 

We had all suddenly found ourselves with spare time to fill. Some of the girls decided to hang around, support the other American teams in their bid for Olympic gold. But while I wanted nothing more than for them to win, I didn't want to stay. It was a little too painful, a little too fresh. Someone, maybe it was Ashlyn, suggested we book a last minute trip to Mexico. What better way to silence the soul crushing agony of not making the Olympic finals than by drowning ourselves in margaritas and mojitos, stuffing our faces with tacos that Dawn would very much not approve of, and hitting the waves?

Someone's aunt had a time share, and before we knew it we were basking in the Mexican sun. One afternoon we went out to explore the town, and the locals had pointed us toward some nearby cliffs, perfect for jumping off of.

Was it smart? No. Ali had grumbled something about "world class athletes" and "inevitable broken bones" under her breath when most of us started throwing ourselves into the clear blue water without a single thought, but eventually she was convinced to join everyone else.

Well, everyone but Alex.

She had refused, over and over. When Kelley and Ash started teasing her about being a scaredy cat, she hadn't fallen for their taunts. Instead, her face had hardened and she had turned around without another word, stalking her way back down the path as we tried to call her back.

Someone had to go after her, but no one really wanted to. Still, I wasn't afraid of Alex Morgan's infamous wrath, so I had jogged after her.

She didn't say anything as we walked back to the villa we were all sharing. I didn't want to pry, so I didn't ask any of the questions that were on the tip of my tongue.

But when we reached the front door, I couldn't stop myself. "You know how to swim."

"I know," she snapped.

"Not only that, but you... I mean you swim so well. I've seen you in the endless pool. You're a great swimmer."

"I'm aware, Tobin."

"Then why? We all jumped, there weren't any rocks or anything like that. It was safe."

"But we don't know that!" She let us inside and I followed her to the room she and Christen were sharing. 

"What do you mean?"

"We... I don't like... I don't like water."

"But I mean... everyone loves the ocean. It's... peaceful. Everyone feels better by the sea."

"I don't! I'm, I'm scared, okay? I'm afraid of water." She sat down on her bed, pulling her pillow into her lap.

"You... you are?" I had never seen Alex look so vulnerable, and suddenly I wished that it would have been Chris or Ali who had followed her, someone more sensitive, someone who wouldn't inevitably say the wrong thing. She nodded. "Why?"

She glanced up at me then cleared her throat. "I... when I was in junior high, I was at the beach with my older sisters. I was trying convince them that I could be cool, instead of an annoying little sister, but they weren't buying it. But there were a lot of other high schoolers there. Everyone was talking and laughing. Some of them were drinking." She stopped for a second and looked up at me. "Do you know what a riptide is?"

I nodded. "Yeah. My uncle was big about teaching us when I learned how to surf."

She took a deep breath. "A guy... a year younger than my sisters. He was out in the water, most of us were, but he got caught in a rip tide. And I don't know if he just didn't know what to do, or if he was so drunk that he couldn't remember that he needed to swim parallel to the shore to get out of it, they're easy to escape if you know how, but he was pulled out to sea." She sniffed, dabbing at her eyes. "I was on the beach. I saw it happen. I told Jeni and Jeri but they thought I was just being annoying.. But eventually one of the other girls caught on to what I was trying to tell them, and looked out. He was trying to fight against the current, but it was too strong. He wasted all of his energy trying to swim against the current. By the time a few of the other guys got out to him, he had gone under."

I sat heavily on Christen's bed. "Oh my god. Did... did he make it?"

She gave a sad smile. "They performed CPR when they got him to the beach, and revived him, but he had gone so long without oxygen... he had brain damage. He was left in a vegetative state."

Horror spread through my body, making my skin break out in goose bumps. "That's awful. I'm so sorry, Alex."

"I know... the ocean is beautiful. Obviously I can look at it and appreciate it, but... it can turn on you, Tobin. It can go from calm to deadly in an instant, and it doesn't matter how strong you are, you good you are... And so yeah. I'm scared of the water. Swimming pools aren't as bad, if it's a contained body of water that I can see the bottom, and there are lifeguards on duty... I can get through. I don't like it, but I can manage for training's sake. But the ocean... I can't trust the sea. Not when I've seen exactly how unforgiving it can be."

_Kelley's afraid of darkness._

Kelley O'Hara acts like she's on cocaine half of the time. Christen swears that she's always been like this, even when they were at Stanford. She's a ball of energy, chaotic, always up for another round, another joke, another prank, another game. For the longest time, I assumed that she was part golden retriever. 

The times that we got roomed together, I would always fall asleep before her. It didn't matter if we'd come back from a game, beaten and bruised, or had been out drinking and dancing until we could barely stand up, when she crawled into bed, she always pulled out her laptop and cued up Netflix. The first couple of times I was annoyed; we were athletes, we needed sleep, go the fuck to sleep. But after a while I got used to it. She used headphones so that I didn't have to listen to whatever show she was watching, and if I pulled a pillow over my head, I could block out the blue light issuing from her Mac book.

We were rooming together in Jersey, just a few days before we were scheduled to play England at the SheBelieves cup. We got back to the hotel and in the interest of saving time, far too many of us jammed ourselves into the elevator, convinced that it would be fine.

And it was. For about thirsty seconds. A loud beep issued through the small box and we lurched to a stop. A few girls started to laugh at the idea that we had broken the elevator, but then we were plunged into darkness.

Julie gave sharp squeal, and we all froze, wondering just what kind of trouble we had gotten ourselves into. Then, a hand clawed at mine, seizing it and a forehead pressed hard into my shoulder. I brought my free hand up to feel their hair, trying to figure out who was clutching me like their life was depending on it, but unable to do so in the pitch black.

"Morgan?" I murmured as Heather and Megan tried to figure out what to do next.

"It's me," a voice squeaked back, and I recognized it as Kelley.

"Hey Kel, it's okay," I tried to assure her, but she gave her head a quick shake, wetting the arm of my tee shirt with her tears as she did so. 

"Don't... don't call me that. Not right now."

"Okay Worm. You're okay. We're okay. I promise, they're gonna get the elevator working again."

"I just... the lights. Why did the lights turn off?"

"Dunno. Something electrical, I guess." I squeezed her hand. "We're gonna be fine."

Thankfully at that moment, Ashlyn fished her phone out of her pocket and turned on the flashlight, shining it down on everyone. I felt Kelley relax slightly, but she didn't let go of my hand. It took another ten minutes before the lights fully came on and our elevator resumed it's journey upwards. When the doors opened and we all began to spill out, the hotel manager was waiting, his arms crossed in displeasure. A few of the older girls stuck around to apologize and assure him that it wouldn't happen again, but I followed Kelley back to our room, worried that she still hadn't stopped crying.

She immediately locked herself in the bathroom, and I sat helplessly on my bed, unable to think of a single reason why she was so freaked out. Sure, it hadn't been exactly fun when the elevator had stopped, but we'd come out alive, we were fine. Why was Kelley so upset?

Her eyes were red when she finally came out. I jumped to standing. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah fine," she mumbled. I didn't believe her for a second.

"What... what just happened?"

"I... I got scared, okay? It's not that big of a deal." Her voice was defensive and hard.

"But you're not afraid of elevators. If anything, you're usually the moron jumping up and down in them to get us in trouble."

"It's not the elevator."

"I don't understand!" I had never seen my usually upbeat, crazy teammate like this, and I couldn't let it go until I figured out what was happening.

"I'm scared of the dark! Okay? Ha ha. so funny, just get on with it, make a joke."

I stared at her. "I'm not going to make fun of you."

"I know it's stupid. Kids, little girls are afraid of the dark, I'm nearly thirty, I should..." She tried to choke back a sob. "I should have gotten over it by now."

"Gotten over your fear of the dark?"

"Over... sure. Yeah."

"Over what?"

She takes a deep breath and leans against the wall behind her. "I was in high school. I was at a party out on someone's land, in the middle of fucking nowhere. I was the designated driver, and I was looking for my friend Cara. I went into a bedroom to see if she was in there. Opened the bathroom door, and then someone behind me pushed me inside. It was pitch black, I banged into the counter, I couldn't see anything. And then this guy was against me, pulling on my clothes, kissing me. It was so dark... I couldn't see where the door was. And I couldn't get away from him. He kept putting his hand down the front of my leggings. I was crying, and telling him to stop, but he wouldn't."

I could feel bile rising in my throat at where I was pretty sure this story was going. "Did... did he..."

"Finally I tried to just cooperate. And he pushed me down on my knees so... I blew him. And he kept moaning, saying it felt so nice, and that I was so good... while I was just crying, waiting for it to be over." Kelley was bent over with her hands on her knees, crying so hard she could barely stand up. "And then when he... finished, he stumbled out of the bathroom. And I got up and felt around and finally turned on the fucking light. And, and it was everywhere. On my face, my neck, my shirt. I tried to clean up the best I could. And then I left the bathroom and went to find Cara so we could go home."

"Kelley, I'm so sorry."

"So yeah, I'm fucking scared of the dark. I fall asleep with the TV on, always needing at least a little bit of light. Just so I can reassure myself that I'm safe."

"Is there anything I can do?"

She shook her head, wiping her cheeks and nose on the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "No. I just have to live with it."

"Have you tried... going to someone about it?"

She shrugged. "What are they going to tell me? To not put myself in situations where creepy guys can overpower me? It's a little late for that."

"But maybe they could help you.. I dunno, heal. Lessen some of the fear."

"I don't have the time. And... for the most part I'm fine. I have my tips and tricks to not think about it. It's just when something like tonight happens, and it was so dark, and I could feel people bumping into me, but I wasn't sure of who anyone was, I just knew that we had been standing next to each other..."

"Did... you report him? Did you tell anyone?"

She gave me a sardonic smile. "How could I, when I didn't know who it was? The darkness hid his face."

_Daddy's afraid of babies._

My sister Katie had gone through what felt like the world's longest labor ever with my nephew. And if it felt that long for me, I can only imagine how she was feeling. 

By the time they brought us back, I felt like I was going to come out of my own skin with excitement. He was so small nestled in Katie's arms, just a tiny bundle of blue. I had assumed her would be bald, like the babies you see on TV, but was shocked to see the softest little crest of brown hair peeking out. My mom held him first, cooing over how perfect he was. Then it was Perry's turn, crying like the true softie she was. Then finally, he came to me.

How is it at all possible that we all start so small? Every person in this room, every girl that I had ever battled it out with on the soccer pitch, we had all once been this tiny. His pink lips were pursed in a little pout as he wriggled slightly in my arms, and I offered him my finger to wrap his hand around.

"Dude, you did... so good," I told Katie, making her laugh. 

"Thanks, I think so too."

"Jeff, do you want to hold him next?" my mom asked.

I looked up to see my dad furrow his eyebrows. He looked like he was going to reach for him, but then crossed his arms instead. "No. No, that's okay."

"Dad, are you sure?"

He avoided meeting my eyes, instead taking Katie's hand. "He's perfect, sweetheart."

"He's going to have all the girls wrapped around his finger," Perry predicted. 

"Hey now, or maybe all the boys, we don't know," I couldn't help but joke. My family laughed.

Well, everyone but my dad.

He glanced up and for the briefest moment our eyes met, and I saw the fear there.

He was didn't want to hold my nephew because he was scared. Something had made him realize that all of the hopes and dreams you put on a baby don't always come true, and that something was me.

For the most part, my family had taken me coming out incredibly well. My siblings had rolled their eyes and basically told me that they already knew, that everyone with eyes already knew. And for his part, my dad had hugged me, held me and reassured me that he loved me no matter who I was attracted to, and nothing could change that. But I could tell that part of him would never stop mourning the future he had imagined for me. Ever since I was a little girl, he'd talked about walking my sisters and I down the aisle, giving us away at our weddings to a good, Christian man who would love and treasure us just as much as he did. And that wasn't going to happen for me.

He was scared because he didn't want to get to know this tiny being, his first grandchild, only to have the rug pulled out from under his feet and realize he didn't know him at all.

And it was all my fault.

_And Mama's afraid of crying._

If I knew anything in this entire world, it's that my mother loved me, with the kind of fierce, all encompassing love that only a mother can know. Even when I was at my most surly, moody, closeted high school self, she supported me and was proud of me in a way that I didn't always deserve. 

She supported my decision to publicly come out. She knew that nothing ever quite felt complete because I always felt like I was hiding part of myself away. So when I decided that endorsements be damned, regardless of what anyone thought, I needed to share my truth with people, she was beside me.

But I knew that she was scared for me. Anytime a story hit the news cycle about violence or discrimination in the LGBT community, my heart would ache for those affected, but also for my mother, who I knew was also reacting to the news, terrified that I would be next.

She did her best to hide it of course.

She refused to cry in front of me, trying to put up a strong, supportive front so that I wouldn't feel guilt about the way my sexuality filled her with anxiety and fear. I just happened to be home when the news outlets picked up the story of the lesbian couple being attacked on the bus in London. I had been coming downstairs, barely awake and in search of coffee, and there on my dad's giant flat screen TV was the picture of them, covered in blood. I had stopped in my tracks, only catching a few words of the incident, unable to pull my eyes away from the spatters of red covering the two women. Some part of me registered that my mom was also in the living room, frozen in the act of folding a towel.

"Oh my god," I finally squeezed out. She whipped around to face me, and I turned to look at her. Here eyes were glassy with tears, but as I watched she took several deep breaths, refusing to let them fall. 

"What do you want for breakfast?"

"Mom-"

"I can make eggs. Or maybe pancakes?"

"Mama." She turned to look at me, and I opened my mouth to say something but then stopped. How could I possibly convince her that it was worth it? That as awful as some people in the world could be, I had no regrets that I had chosen to be out and proud. It was worth it, simply for the chance to love someone like Christen, and for someone as wonderful as Christen to love me-

_She's afraid to hold me._

But I can't explain any of that to my mom, because it's never that simple. Christen and I had been friends for years, best friends, and for the longest time I had pushed down my feelings for her, terrified it would ruin everything. But then one night, in the hazy space between three glasses of champagne and four, my lips had found hers, and it was like the entire universe had finally come into alignment. I woke up first the next morning and had tried to stay as still as possible, loving the feel of my arms wrapped around her, holding her close, her hair tickling my nose. When she had finally woken up, slowly turning over in my arms, she had blinked in the morning sun, a soft smile finding her lips as our eyes met for the briefest moment. But then, then she had bolted upright, pulling away from my embrace, staring at me in shock.

"What... oh my god. What have we done?"

"Chris, calm down-"

"Tobs... fuck. Oh my god. I'm so sorry."

I sat up too. "Why are you sorry? I'm not."

She peeked over at me. "No?"

"Why would I be sorry about finally getting what I've secretly been wanting for years?"

"Years?"

"Chris," I grabbed her hand. "I... I love you. I've... been in love with you. I was just... unsure about how you felt."

"I-" She stopped short, her eyes darting around the room. "It's not that I don't love you, Tobin."

_She's afraid to tell me._

She's out of bed and out the door before I can fully wrap my head around what's happening. All I know is that I've been left with the scent of her perfume on my pillow, a hickey on my inner thigh, and a hole the size of Texas in my chest.

She starts avoiding me, not returning calls or texts, and it's not until the next camp that I can corner her.

"I don't understand," I whisper, even though I'm nearly positive we're the only ones in the building, let alone the locker room. "Are... you not attracted to me?"

"It's not that, Tobin," she breathes. "How could anyone not be attracted to you?"

"Then what?"

"I'm not- I'm not out. You know that."

"I'm not saying that you have to be. I don't want to force you to do anything you're not comfortable with. But I am saying that I care about you. That not talking to you is killing me. That even if we don't... do whatever this is, you're my best friend. But, I will say that being on this side of it... it's not as bad as you think it is. For the most part, people are supportive. And the people that aren't, fuck 'em! Who needs 'em! All I want is you, however I can possibly have you. And if that's as your girlfriend, amazing. If that's as a friends with benefits type of situation, fine. If it's as just friends, great. But I can't give you up.""

She casts her eyes around, as if the answer to her problems might be written on the walls or benches. "And I want you too, Tobs, but-"

_She's afraid to trust me._

Only an idiot would miss the space between us now. No more sitting together on the bus. No more rooming together. When Jill puts us together, Christen silently switches with someone else. We talk at meals and on the field, and sometimes it almost, _almost_ feels like before. But the moment I let myself lean into the moment, when my hand finds her shoulder, or if we end up hugging after a goal, she quickly moves away like she's been burned. And part of me wants to be mad, to be absolutely furious with her for doing this, but then I catch the pain in her eyes, the same ache that lives deep in my chest, and know that she can't help it. She's trying to protect herself.

_She's afraid to hold me._

She's afraid that if she ever lets herself indulge in even the most platonic of touches, that we'll lose control and kiss with every bit of passion and want that we've been pushing down since the moment we met.

And it hurts. God, it feels like I'm actually dying, knowing that the girl I love, the girl I'm fairly sure is my soulmate, the only girl I can imagine spending the rest of my life with, she...

_She's afraid of me._

Afraid of what I make her feel. Afraid of what I make her want. Afraid of everything I represent.

I can't stand it.

A lot of times in interviews, I'll get the same question. 'Are you nervous/anxious/afraid?'

My answer is always no. Because I'm not. I'm not afraid. Not of Canada, not of Sweden, not of the alt-right or the neo-nazis or whatever the fuck they're calling themselves now. I'm not afraid. I never have been. I've always been the first to throw myself off a cliff, that's just my personality.

But of course it goes a step further than that. Because the truth is that my biggest fear has always been having Christen taken away from me.

And after your biggest fear has come true, where does that leave you?

_I'm not afraid._


End file.
